Translating the Cold Hearted WOD

It’s the unofficial end of summer here in Canada and time for Blog Post # 37. Yesterday was a holiday Monday here called Labour Day, celebrating the achievements of workers. I celebrated by getting off work at 7:00 am and thinking about my next 12 days off.

I had a nice moment recently when a co-worker, that I don’t know all that well, said to me, “I like your blog. It’s good.” I have ‘good’ friends that don’t read my blog so to find out that there are strangers that read this and like it is encouraging. My jokes about only 19 people reading this may not be true.

My recent efforts to be published have been fruitless unfortunately. I have completed two pieces on health (Iyengar Yoga and Tension Myositis Syndrome) but have yet to find a site interested in these topics. I guess all anyone wants to hear about is beer and travel. I’ll try to find a way to make that happen. Over the next month and a half, my wife and I will be travelling to five different countries and we may hit up a brewery or two that I can then write about.

I took this photo in August on a camping trip to Hornby Island. I figured that I would post one more ‘close to home’ photo as I’m expecting a lot of Scotland and Ireland over the rest of the year.

Hornby Island

Border Patrol

This week, my wife and I will be driving down to Seattle to see one of my favorite bands, The War on Drugs. I can’t get enough of their music. Have a listen to one of my favorite running songs here: Red Eyes.

I must say that I’m not looking forward to crossing the US border. First of all, if the border guards read my blog, they’ll know about my jokes (and non-jokes) about Donald Trump. My political agenda is exposed here. Secondly, when I’m asked what I’m doing in Seattle, I’ll need to say, “I’m going to see ‘The War on Drugs’.”

“Pardon? Did you say ‘drugs’?” And I won’t be heard from again.

I think I’ll just tell them I’m going to see “WOD” in concert.

“The Who?”

“No. The WOD.”


“No. WOD.”

I’ll just say I’m going to see Nirvana……too soon?

Laws in Translation

I enjoy language. It’s one of the reasons I write this blog. I’m also a big believer in doing difficult things, challenging the self, and reaching for goals that can seem unattainable. Even if they’re not completely reached, there is growth, learning, and strength to be gained.

In January of this year, I challenged myself to learn Spanish. My strategy started with 10 minutes a day of Spanish phrases. That turned into 20 minutes a day around April. It’s now a passion and an obsession. My goal is to speak Spanish fluently by the end of 2019. It’s going well so far. I was at a party with Spanish speaking people and instead of saying “don’t worry about it”, I said “I don’t know busy”. Recently, I asked a Spanish speaking co-worker, “Are you a book now?” With this kind of progress I’ll be doing a Spanish Podcast about correctly doing the Macarena and managing a hospital in Tijuana before you know it.

One of my strategies has been to watch tv shows and movies in Spanish with English subtitles. I’ve now seen Shrek 239 times. The unfortunate part is anytime I use Spanish, I keep calling everyone “Donkey.” ….whereas in English, I only do that occasionally.


My wife has been inspired by my Spanish efforts. She decided to work on learning Norwegian. She was well on her way in 2005 when we lived in Norway but we returned to Canada before she could really solidify it. Now, she’s using an app and Youtube to practice every day. She recently learned the very useful phrase, “The spider is ugly”.

Oh, good. Use that when someone asks, “Can you speak Norwegian?”

”The spider is ugly.”

Words of Wisdom

1. Stand up straight. Have you noticed everyone has their head forward and down? It’s often due to the phone. Put the phone down sometimes! Walk upright with your head held high because “Hey, look at me. I can put myself-phone down and enjoy life.” ….but no one will notice.

2. Stop wasting time. One of the main reasons I started Spanish was realizing that there was so much time wasted on the phone with Facebook, Twitter, Words with Friends, Chess, Cat Videos, and general trash. I thought I could use that time to become better and achieve something worthwhile. Fulfillment doesn’t come from comfort or entertainment, it comes from purpose and achievement.

It’s time for the ending jokes. It’s also time to stop making fun of my wife and go back to nursing jokes. These are my jokes. Soy Roy. Enjoy.

In 2016, my wife and I went to China on a three week trip. It was amazing. I learned a few words in Mandarin which I still remember. They’re actually quite useful now as many of my patients in the hospital speak Mandarin. I can say useful Mandarin phrases to my patients like, “How are you?” “Thank you” “Bathroom?” “Pain?” and “Beer?”. 


A lot of nurses have cold hands. My patients are fortunate that I have very warm hands. I was helping an elderly female patient when she grabbed my hand and said, “Oh, you have such warm hands.”

I said, “You know what they say….cold hands, warm heart.”


Serving Minimal Cheesy Asparagus with Maximum Love

It’s time for Blog Post #36 to enter the mix. Other blogs may get things like “readers” and “followers” and “subscribers” due to great writing, advice, and story telling or whatever…. but this blog is The Blog: Puffy sarcasm, crazy ideas, and tender goodness that’s stocked full of snarky ridiculousness. Also, this blog is Grammarly free. This blog doesn’t need Grammarly to get the words put in the right places to make the sense of the things to say the stuff. No spelling errors ever either. This blog is pure glold.

Last post saw some backlash as my wife was the subject of my ending jokes. They’re jokes people and when I married my wife, I never vowed to never laugh at her. I was going write another joke about her but after all the protests (including from my wife), I decided to leave the joke out. It was going to go like this:

My wife and I were on the elevator and a guy got on with his large dog. The dog began licking her hand. My wife pulled her hand away and said, ‘No, you shouldn’t do that, I have a lot of sunscreen on.’

The guy then said, “She’s slobbery and a bit disgusting right now.” 

I was angry and said to the guy, “Are you talking to your dog… about my wife?”

So being a good husband and an all-around good citizen, I left that joke out. It’s my readers who now suffer but there’s more bad jokes where that came from.

Vancouver Island

This photo was taken in Victoria on Vancouver Island two years ago on a family trip. With the natural beauty of Vancouver Island, even an amateur photographer like myself can look like a pro.

Victoria BC

Note: This blog is Photoshop free….and Grammarly free….and AntiRedundancy free.

Words of Wisdom.

1. Follow your dreams first and a paycheck second. You only have so much time on this flying spinning liquid-filled ball. Make it about your experience, not your acquisitions. My dreem is to win a speling be. Wish me luck.

2. Be a minimalist like me….and these guys. Don’t be controlled, ruled, and manipulated by the consumer-driven market. Freedom is found when what you have is all you need. Have you ever tried to buy a patio umbrella in the middle of summer? It’s almost impossible. However, if you’re looking for a Halloween costume, then summer is your time to shop ‘til you drop. Skip.

3. Words of Wisdom from Alex. Recently, I was chosen to be the M.C. of my friends’ wedding. It was an honour. Before the wedding, the bride (Alex) was talking about choosing the food; more specifically what vegetables to have with dinner. She was offered asparagus as an option. She said, “No, no, no. Thank you.” Have you ever been to a wedding that served asparagus? Skip. Never serve asparagus at a large event….ever. Your special event will be extra special.

4. Having a great slogan is very important. Many people believe that Donald Trump won the American election due to his great slogan, “Make America Great Again.” After the election, many companies tried to capitalize on that formula. There was a sweater company that tried the slogan, “Making American Cardigans.” There was the automobile company that went with, “Making American Cars Again.” There was also a pharmaceutical company that tried it to promote their E.D. drug. There was also the advertising company that specialized in slogans. Their own slogan: “Look at Trump. Making Americans slogan.”

It’s time for the ending joke. If you really got all of Words of Wisdom, then you’ve already laughed out loud. I suspect only 1 in 20 will actually get all of #4 and considering I only have 19 readers, that may mean: no one. This joke is dedicated to my wife and is mostly a true story (all true except one word). I felt bad when so many people were upset about me making fun of my wife in the last blog post. So with that, I give you this olive branch skewered with pure ridiculous Royal cheese. Enjoy.

My wife and I were walking by the tennis courts near our place. People with their tennis racquets in hand were waiting on the sides and on benches while others were on the courts in heated five setters. My wife said, “I wonder if there’s a place to put your name down or book the court ahead of time?” Without hesitation I said, “No, I think it’s first come, first serve…..Love 🙂 .”


Intermittent Blogging

Blog Post #35 is here. Phew!….that was close. I almost didn’t get this done for the month of July (I have not missed a month since starting this blog in 2016). Luckily for my loyal readers, a summer hiatus has been avoided. While I have numerous projects on the go, I don’t have any new published works to share. I did have one of my articles on the Vancouver Coastal Health website get re-posted but it requires a log-in for Vancouver Coastal Health employees only. Disappointing.

New York

I was hoping to take a trip to New York City this October but in the end my wife and I decided to stop in London, England for a few days instead. I took this photo in New York’s Central Park in 2015. I love New York City!

Central Park

Las Vegas

A bit of impulse buying (followed by a mild case of buyer’s remorse) has lead to my wife and I travelling to Las Vegas at the end of September. We’ll then only have a few days back home before heading to Great Britain for 3 weeks. Neither one of us have been to ‘Sin City’ so when the chance came to go with friends, we didn’t really have a choice. Well, I guess we did have a couple choices; go to Vegas or don’t go to Vegas. In the end, for the sake of my readers, I chose to go to Las Vegas. As the saying goes, “What happens in Vegas….ends up in this blog.”

Intermittent Fasting

I received a couple of e-mails asking about intermittent fasting and how it’s been going. It’s going well and I’m really enjoying the lifestyle more than anything. It’s not a miracle-working secret though. It’s always about calories in versus calories out. I just find intermittent fasting makes keeping within my calorie needs a bit easier. My wife is having a lot of success with it. After initially saying ‘no’ to intermittent fasting, she has embraced it and lost some unwanted fat in the process.

One of the great things with intermittent fasting is when you don’t eat until 3 or 4 in the afternoon, the food tastes so good. It’s like the taste of a beer after going two days without a beer. I’m just joking of course….I don’t go two days without a beer.

Words of Wisdom

1. Always look at expiry dates on foods. You don’t want to eat or drink something that has spoiled. Food poisoning sucks. Recently, I had a canned sparkling water. At the top of the can, it read, “For packaging date, see under can.” Under the can, it read, “12-5246-37-19.” Is that a Star-date? Was this can packaged in the future and brought back by Marty McFly?

2. When people ask for help, try to help them out. You’ll feel good about you. Recently my aunt asked if anyone knew a rock polisher? I replied, “Andy Dufrain is quite good but he’s in Mexico.” I didn’t actually say that….. I said, “I know Dwayne Johnson’s massage therapist.” ….and ‘bam!’ I felt good about me.

Thanks for reading my summer musings. This month my wife and I celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. It only seems fitting to include her in the ending jokes. Enjoy.

My wife recently questioned whether she could work in a vegan restaurant. She said, “No. People would ask me for recommendations and I’d say, ‘yeah, the place across the street that serves real food’.” #meattoo


I have to say this about my wife: Although she’s selfish, self centered, and usually only thinking of herself, she’s still the love of my wife.

Celebrate This Royal Sky!

Blog Post #34 is now ….and I’m hungry! My wife and I are experimenting with intermittent fasting. We fast for 16 hours and have an eight-hour eating window to get our calories in. It’s mainly about skipping breakfast (the most important meal of the day) and delaying your first meal until 2, 3, or 4pm. The science claim is that intermittent fasting increases fat loss, improves health, and allows for more diet flexibility (all I read there was “beer”). The biggest benefit I’ve seen is in my morning routine. I have more time for writing. Will it translate to more regular blog posts? Maybe…..or maybe more published articles.

Unfortunately, all my blog posts at the Vancouver Coastal Health: Up For Discussion blog have been deleted. VCH has moved to an internal access only site and they have re-started the discussion forum. It’s a bit disappointing as I was using those posts as writing samples when in discussion with editors about writing on health. Now my Published Work is comprised mostly of beer writing. On that note: I had another article posted in The Beer Blog covering Mount Arrowsmith Brewing. You can check it out here:

My wife and I have spent a lot of time in the USA already this year. We travelled to San Jose, San Francisco, and Portland in the last few months. We also have a couple upcoming trips to Washington State over the summer. Despite the political and social issues, the US is still an interesting and amazing country to visit. I took this photo in San Francisco on our way to Alcatraz Island.


Great Britain

The next big trip for my wife and I is Great Britain this October. We’re still working on all the places we plan to go but with about three weeks to tour around, there should be some writing and photography opportunities. Windsor Castle is not on the list.

I recently overheard someone say, “I don’t think Harry and Meghan are going to last.” You know who I don’t think are going to last? Elizabeth and Phillip. I’m actually looking forward to see who Queen Elizabeth marries next. Did you see the Royal Wedding last month? The two best things about that wedding; it was Royal and involved a Canadian.

Bonus Photo: If you missed the wedding on TV or haven’t seen any pictures, this is my photo showing everything important that you may have missed.

Royal Wedding

Words of Wisdom

1. Celebrate you. Celebrate your achievements. Celebrate being alive and every milestone along the way. Next month, my wife and I will celebrate our 11th anniversary…. The tontine continues.

2. Whether intermittent fasting is for you or not, protein is your most important macronutrient. The easiest way (and IMO healthiest way) to meet your protein needs is to eat animals. Note: I have received e-mails criticizing my stance on vegetarianism. I may take my campaign to Twitter #MeatToo.

3. Don’t procrastinate on things you want to do. Time is running out for all of us….maybe not Queen Elizabeth, Keith Richards, or Betty White….but for the rest of us; Don’t wait!

Nothing brings you more joy than the ending jokes from Roy. Enjoy.

Sitting by the pool in Mexico, my father-in-law said to me, “Look at that. There’s a one-legged bird running around.”
I said, “Well it’s not exactly running.”


The Nursing Name Game 2. There were two patients in a double room. They were both named Skye. The nurse and the doctor were in the room discussing their care.
Dr. “I need to put this Skye on medications.”
RN “What do you mean this guy? She’s a woman.”
Dr. “I know she’s a woman but this Skye has an infection.”
RN “This guy has an infection? What guy? What about this Skye? She has the fever.”
Dr. “She’s a woman. Maybe this Skye and this Skye both have infections.”
RN “This guy and this guy? What are you talking about?”
Dr. “I’m talking about this Skye, not this Skye.”
RN “They’re both women. This Skye needs antibiotics.”
Dr “This guy?”
You “OMG Roy! What was that?”

Deers, Beers, and Snakes

Happy May and here it be; Blog Post #33. April zipped by as my wife and I made several trips to Vancouver Island. This caused a slowing of blog post frequency and general all-around writing. We’ve been working to renovate and sell our Vancouver Island home. When I say ‘renovate’, I really mean ‘get people who know what they’re doing to go in and fix it’. When it comes to construction, I’m as useful as a baker doing roadwork. Now that our house is ready for sale, I’m hopeful that we’ll sell quickly and I’ll get back to writing on a more regular basis.

Beer There. Done That.

It seems that lately, everything I’ve written has been focused on beer. While it is my favorite drink, there is one or two other topics I’d like to start covering. Unfortunately (or fortunately), my wife and I (along with her two cousins and husbands) just came back from a five day trip to Portland, Oregon so you could say there was a slight focus on breweries and beer. They only have a hundred or so breweries in Portland. We were fortunate to have gone to Royale Brewing; a great combo of the two best things on earth: Roys and Ales.

How big is beer in Portland?

My wife’s cousin received a phone call from her boss asking her if she had time for a couple questions. She could have said, “I’m on vacation in Portland”, “I’m sight-seeing in Portland” or “I’m visiting Portland.” She said, “I’m drinking beer in Portland!!”

The bosses reply:  “I wish I was drinking beer in Portland.”

Two hours later my wife’s cousin got another call from a co-worker wanting to ask her some questions. She replied, “I’m in beer drinking Portland!!”


Keeping with the beer theme, I had another guest post published at The Beer Blog. It’s a review of one of my favorite beers and the subject of one of my most popular ending jokes. You can check it out here:
My wife and I found a great place to run in Portland. The Columbia Slough Trail  provided a great path along a calm, condensed waterway. It was near our hotel and the weather held true. Here is the photo I took showing the intense and tall green grass and the welcoming blue sky.

CS Portland 2018

Words of Wisdom

1. Keep the workouts going! If you travel often, it’s important to keep at it. You don’t want to be taking long breaks from exercise. It will continually feel like you’re starting and stopping. Exercise is not a punishment (although it can feel that way until an adequate level of fitness is achieved). It is also more than just a tool to lose weight or get fit. Those are some of the benefits of a lifestyle that incorporates exercise in it. Make exercise part of who you are and what you do and you’ll take it on the road with you.

2. Teach others. Pass on your knowledge. I recently drove by a house on Vancouver Island that had three deer in the front yard eating grass. At the top of the step, in front of the door was a cat over-seeing the deer’s activity. Although I didn’t hear it, I know the cat said, “Good. Good. First you eat the grass….then you throw up the hairballs.”


It’s time for the ending jokes. You mean there’s more? Yes….but they’re terrible. Enjoy.
My wife wanted to go out for dinner.

I said, “Great. Where do you want to go?”

She said she wanted to go to a restaurant near Main Street called ‘Whip’.”

I said, “OK….but after we’ll need to go to NeNe.” 
My wife’s aunt told a story where her friend had opened his back door and found two rattlesnakes on the porch. In true Canadian fashion, he went back in the house and grabbed his hockey stick. He then used it to try to get the snakes off the porch and into the back wilderness.

I said, “Cmon. We all know that if you want to deal with snakes, you don’t use a hockey stick. You go and grab your flute!”


Some Friends and Enemas

Without further a dew, it’s Blog Post # 32. Thank you to everyone who sent messages, e-mails, and social media posts with condolences along with appreciation for Blog Post #31 and my tribute to my Dad.

February was a short but eventful month. My wife and I did make it to San Francisco and had the best time possible.

True Story: We were at the airport and just passed the Burger King when an announcement came on the overhead, “Could Ron……Ronald McDonald please come to the service desk? Ronald McDonald.”

“Really? Shouldn’t he be in a storm drain somewhere making It 2: It’s That?” *(the rest of this joke was removed by the author due to questionable content)

Upon arriving in San Francisco, I immediately did as I said I would and sent a message on Twitter that said “Rice-a-roni.” If you’re wondering why, you’ll have to go back and read Blog Post #30. We then took the train to San Jose and watched our beloved hockey team (the Vancouver Canucks) lose 4-1. I was happy they at least scored one goal to cheer for. T.A.N.Y.

Once back in San Francisco, we did the humanitarian tour of Napa and Sonoma Valley. Here’s the photo I took after we crossed the Golden Gate Bridge on the way to Sonoma Valley.

San Francisco

We first visited Jacuzzi Winery and learned that they were also the inventors of the Jacuzzi tub. They also make high end olive oil. One person on the tour couldn’t stop talking about great olive oils and where the best ones were. I said, “I’m here for the wine. Last time I tried to buy Olive Oil, this one-eyed sailor with big arms got really upset.” The Jacuzzi wine was quite good.

We then went to Madonna Winery (no affiliation with the singer). There was no olive oil there and I can’t help but think that they missed the marketing boat. Like a Virgin Olive Oil….eh? huh?….yeah, that’s what I thought….brilliant!!

We made it to Alcatraz Island, a tourist must-do that was really enjoyable. The prison cells were so small (5ft by 9ft). How did people live like that? As my friend Jamie told us, “It’s just like your apartment in downtown Vancouver.”

Now that I’m back in my ‘prison cell’ in Vancouver, I’m moving forward with my writing and trying to get more of my work out into the world. My friend Ron, just started a beer blog (Why didn’t I think of that?!) and I’m honored to be the first to guest-post for him. It’s a short article I wrote on my favorite beer bar in Vancouver. You can check it out here: .

If you’re a fan of craft beer, give his site a follow on Twitter, Facebook, or join his e-mail list.

Words of Wisdom

1. Always learn from your mistakes of the past. My wife and I used to eat rotisserie chicken. Years ago, she got sick after eating rotisserie chicken and no longer buys it. She still won’t eat rotisserie chicken to this day. I don’t understand how she can keep drinking wine.

2. So many friends of mine are having babies or announcing babies on the way. It’s very important for you parents and would-be parents to update your budget and financial plan. Assess these categories:

  1. Clothing
  2. Food
  3. Daycare
  4. Housing
  5. Education

If your math is correct, it should then look something like this:

  1. #!$@!
  2. s#@$!
  3. #&@!
  4. d%$@!
  5. @#!!

It’s time for the ending jokes. I’ve mentioned a number of my friends in this post so I thought I’d keep that theme going. Enjoy!

My friend Rich and his wife just had a baby. We were all to meet up for dinner and drinks at his place. He texted me and said, “You can stay at our place if you can deal with the crying baby! haha”

”Oh Rich! There’s always been a crying baby at your place. Now, there’s two.”

”Lol…good one. If I get too drunk, you’re on diaper duty!”

”Umm….your diaper?”

“I’m just going to stop texting now. See you soon.”

My best friend Corey is a relatively new Ultrarunner. He was telling me about an amazing race he ran up in the mountains outside of Tokyo. “I ran for 7 hrs up in the mountain covering ‘who knows how many’ kilometers… and finished. Twenty five percent of the people who started didn’t finish. I did it! Then we hung out in this cool mountain town with little eateries and multiple bars eating great food, and trying all these beers and great drinks. It was an epic pub crawl.”

My response: “That’s awesome! Good for you. Oh….and pretty good you finished the race too.”


After returning home to Vancouver, I told my friend Dave all about the Jacuzzi winery. He looked at me, frowned, and said, “I’d never want to go there!”


I wouldn’t want to get myself into hot water.”


Leaving ‘Paradise’: Ode to My Dad

The hiatus is over and now with a heavy heart, Blog Post #31 is here. My Dad died suddenly last month. I found myself in a whirlwind of emotions, tasks, and life changing moments that left my writing dormant. My Dad was the biggest fan of this blog and the ‘Published Works’ I’ve produced so far as a freelance writer. He was very proud. I’ll miss sharing my writing with him.

Requesting no service, I know that my Dad would have wanted me to write his obituary. He would have wanted simple and to the point with a touch of humour in as few words as possible. The following link is to the obituary I wrote for my Dad, honoring his life the way he would have wanted.

Leaving Paradise (the place my Dad called home for nearly 50 years).

Leaving Paradise

Life Lessons

While everyone has or had a father, I am fortunate to have had a Dad. He encouraged and supported me in sports, education, and hobbies. Through my successes, failures, and everything in between, he was a proud father who always wanted the best for me. While I appreciated his love and support in life, it’s only now with his passing that I truly see how much he meant to me and how much I meant to him. His love and support was always there. I’ve never known life without those things until now.

Moving Forward

As I’ve written before, life will kick you in the teeth. Know it. Expect it. Accept it. It’s resilience, fortitude, gratitude, and perseverance that allows us to overcome, become stronger, and thrive. ‘Moving forward’ is the tool and defense mechanism I try to use when confronted with life’s foot to the face. The best defense is a good offense. My Dad would have wanted me to continue to move forward and that is what I intend to do. It’s what he always did.

Words of Wisdom

1. When you lose someone you love; “Don’t be sad it’s over. Be happy it happened.” (although it’s so very ok to be sad it’s over) “Remember the good times. Laugh at the stupid times.” Recall the lessons. Cry. Celebrate their life.

2. Let the past be a guide, a roadmap, a lesson but don’t get stuck there. You can’t change the past. You only have now and moving forward.

3. Look for your spark, your joy, your reason for all you do. If you’re not excited to get up and get out there, stop what you’re doing and do something else. The time we spend alive is not very tall.

My sense of humour definitely comes from my Dad. Sorry, Mom. There is no way I would leave out the ending jokes even though this blog post has been somber and heavy in content. My Dad loved a good joke. He also liked some of my jokes. Enjoy.

After my Dad met my Mom for the first time, they again saw each other at a dance. As my Mom describes it, “He came over and asked me to dance. I guess he thought he could dance. He couldn’t dance. It was more like he took me for a walk around the dance floor….but it was a nice walk.”


My Swedish jokes come from a joke my Dad told me when I was a kid:

“What do you call a Swede with a war medal?”

“A thief.”

I didn’t get it until I learned a bit of Norway’s World War II history. From that joke, the Swedish jokes I’ve shared on this blog were born. Here’s another one that I told my Dad that he found quite funny.

At the local brewery where I grew up, there is a beer called “The Swedish Gymnast”. Once you’ve finished the beer and are left with an empty glass, you then have “The Swedish Soldier”.

Blog Post #31 is dedicated to my Dad, Harald Mundheim. He raised, supported, encouraged, and loved me with everything he had. I will miss him deeply for the rest of my life.